Walkies
A spot of orienteering
Is the project for this week
You've long aspired to climbing
That far and distant peak
So...with your rucksack and your compass
Doggie.... hipflask and some grub
You set out for your ramble
But stop off at the pub
With a few pints now inside you
You're bearings are in a mess
Just as well you're mobile
Is installed with GPS
You wander down the byways
Not sensing longitude or lat'
And end up back at your house
A more familiar habitat!
© Marjorie Ramsay
Toilet
Sitting on the throne
Paper in your hand
Trousers round your ankles
My word ...don't you look grand?
A little peace and quiet
While sitting on the loo
But oh my Lord... you do kick up
Such a stinking poo!!!!
Perhaps it's all that beer
That's causing such a reek
Better get more 'Air Wick'
When out shopping in the week!
© Marjorie Ramsay
Saturday, 9 May 2009
Friday, 8 May 2009
Flippin' Men Decoupage Verses - Snooker and BBQ
Snooker
Your cue is chalked and ready
As you approach the table
The balls are in position
And you feel fit and able
To make a massive break
So you go to play your shot
But the cue ball finds the pocket
So able....you are not!
Your next ball hits the cushion
And makes a double kiss
The white rolls down the baulk end
And every ball does miss
C'mon now..play a safe shot
And try to save the game
Alas, you've now been snookered
Your mate has won the frame!
© Marjorie Ramsay
BBQ
The sausages are blazing
The steak is nearly black
The flames are soaring heavenward
You seem to have the knack
Of burning every darned thing
Cremating this and that
The whole lot's off the menu
At least we won't get fat!
© Marjorie Ramsay
Here' a link put onto a forum I'm a member of for funny BBQ quotes......
http://www.bbq.co.uk/features/barbecue-quotations.aspx
Your cue is chalked and ready
As you approach the table
The balls are in position
And you feel fit and able
To make a massive break
So you go to play your shot
But the cue ball finds the pocket
So able....you are not!
Your next ball hits the cushion
And makes a double kiss
The white rolls down the baulk end
And every ball does miss
C'mon now..play a safe shot
And try to save the game
Alas, you've now been snookered
Your mate has won the frame!
© Marjorie Ramsay
BBQ
The sausages are blazing
The steak is nearly black
The flames are soaring heavenward
You seem to have the knack
Of burning every darned thing
Cremating this and that
The whole lot's off the menu
At least we won't get fat!
© Marjorie Ramsay
Here' a link put onto a forum I'm a member of for funny BBQ quotes......
http://www.bbq.co.uk/features/barbecue-quotations.aspx
Thursday, 7 May 2009
Flippin' Men Decoupage Verses - Rugby and Bathtime
Rugby
You'll never play for England
Or wear the national cap
Your tackles are hilarious
Your conversions just a laugh
You'd like to be a hooker
No...not a lady of the night
But in the centre of the scrum mate
In the middle of the fight
But...you'd settle as a fly half
Or even as a prop
Pity tho'... each game you play
You seem to be the 'Flop'
© Marjorie Ramsay
Bathtime
Takin' a bath, making a splash
In front of the living room fire
Pint in your hand and cap on your head
The object of my desire
You say that Charles Atlas has nothing on you
With that body and lovely six pack
I just can't agree, you seem scrawny to me
And look even worse from the back!
© Marjorie Ramsay
You'll never play for England
Or wear the national cap
Your tackles are hilarious
Your conversions just a laugh
You'd like to be a hooker
No...not a lady of the night
But in the centre of the scrum mate
In the middle of the fight
But...you'd settle as a fly half
Or even as a prop
Pity tho'... each game you play
You seem to be the 'Flop'
© Marjorie Ramsay
Bathtime
Takin' a bath, making a splash
In front of the living room fire
Pint in your hand and cap on your head
The object of my desire
You say that Charles Atlas has nothing on you
With that body and lovely six pack
I just can't agree, you seem scrawny to me
And look even worse from the back!
© Marjorie Ramsay
Wednesday, 6 May 2009
Flippin' Men Decoupage Verses - Golf and Bike
Golf
You take your driving iron
And tee off from the start
In Argyle pully and plus fours
You really look the part
The ball flies down the fairway
Then comes to a sudden stop
Cos it's landed in the bunker
'Fraid you've played a bleeding flop
You confront the ball with confidence
But can see it's badly laid
So, if your playing in the sand pit
Better take a bucket and spade!
© Marjorie Ramsay
Bike
Out on your bike,
Surveying the land
Bum in the saddle
Pint in your hand
Mile after mile
With legs either side
Of the crossbar and pedals
For a nice long ride
Watching the traffic
Not spilling a drop
Hey...that's drinking and riding
Watch out for that cop.
The wheels just keep turning
As you pedal away
Have a wonderful jaunt
And an amazing birthday!
© Marjorie Ramsay
You take your driving iron
And tee off from the start
In Argyle pully and plus fours
You really look the part
The ball flies down the fairway
Then comes to a sudden stop
Cos it's landed in the bunker
'Fraid you've played a bleeding flop
You confront the ball with confidence
But can see it's badly laid
So, if your playing in the sand pit
Better take a bucket and spade!
© Marjorie Ramsay
Bike
Out on your bike,
Surveying the land
Bum in the saddle
Pint in your hand
Mile after mile
With legs either side
Of the crossbar and pedals
For a nice long ride
Watching the traffic
Not spilling a drop
Hey...that's drinking and riding
Watch out for that cop.
The wheels just keep turning
As you pedal away
Have a wonderful jaunt
And an amazing birthday!
© Marjorie Ramsay
Tuesday, 5 May 2009
Flippin' Men Decoupage Verses - Fishing and Football
Fishing
You sit upon the riverbank
All through the day and night
Just hoping that some big fish
Is gonna' take a bite
With your rod held in your hand
And your waders round your thighs
You'll lie to all your friends
When you tell about the size
Of the one that got away
While you had it on the hook
You learnt all your fishing jargon
From JR Hartley's book!
That trout you caught for dinner
Will make a tasty dish
But...did you catch it down the market
From the bloke who sells the fish?
© Marjorie Ramsay
Football
The ref has blown the whistle
And the match is at an end
But we're still wondering fella
Which side did you defend?
You played more bloomin' fouls
Than in Mathews' factory
Did you have to punch that striker
To create that penalty?
Your tackles were a nightmare
You never got the ball
But perhaps your forward passes
Were really worst of all
In future when your team
Is booked to play a match
You'd be better in the stands mate
To cheer them on and watch!
© Marjorie Ramsay
You sit upon the riverbank
All through the day and night
Just hoping that some big fish
Is gonna' take a bite
With your rod held in your hand
And your waders round your thighs
You'll lie to all your friends
When you tell about the size
Of the one that got away
While you had it on the hook
You learnt all your fishing jargon
From JR Hartley's book!
That trout you caught for dinner
Will make a tasty dish
But...did you catch it down the market
From the bloke who sells the fish?
© Marjorie Ramsay
Football
The ref has blown the whistle
And the match is at an end
But we're still wondering fella
Which side did you defend?
You played more bloomin' fouls
Than in Mathews' factory
Did you have to punch that striker
To create that penalty?
Your tackles were a nightmare
You never got the ball
But perhaps your forward passes
Were really worst of all
In future when your team
Is booked to play a match
You'd be better in the stands mate
To cheer them on and watch!
© Marjorie Ramsay
Monday, 4 May 2009
Flippin' Men Decoupage Verses - DIY and Gardening
DIY
So, you think you are a master
Of do it all yourself
The missus asked you last year
To fix that flat pack shelf
Now..tooled up, at the ready
You start to drill the plaster
But you hit the water pipe
My word...what a disaster!
And now you have that wall
To fix and then to skim
The room is like a lido
And the cat has learnt to swim
Telephone the pro's mate
Next time there is a job
Leave the gadgets in the toolshed
And you go down the pub!
© Marjorie Ramsay
Gardener
Gardening is your hobby
It has often been said
With plants and pretty flowers
Being crossed and hi-bred
Trouble is, it's not done
By grafting or with seeds
It's more a fluke of nature
Cos' most are crossed with weeds!
Oh.. you know how to compost
To cultivate and sow
To propagate and layer
And make your garden grow
But another Percy Thrower
Is something you are not
So just languish in that deckchair
And sod the bloomin' lot!
© Marjorie Ramsay
So, you think you are a master
Of do it all yourself
The missus asked you last year
To fix that flat pack shelf
Now..tooled up, at the ready
You start to drill the plaster
But you hit the water pipe
My word...what a disaster!
And now you have that wall
To fix and then to skim
The room is like a lido
And the cat has learnt to swim
Telephone the pro's mate
Next time there is a job
Leave the gadgets in the toolshed
And you go down the pub!
© Marjorie Ramsay
Gardener
Gardening is your hobby
It has often been said
With plants and pretty flowers
Being crossed and hi-bred
Trouble is, it's not done
By grafting or with seeds
It's more a fluke of nature
Cos' most are crossed with weeds!
Oh.. you know how to compost
To cultivate and sow
To propagate and layer
And make your garden grow
But another Percy Thrower
Is something you are not
So just languish in that deckchair
And sod the bloomin' lot!
© Marjorie Ramsay
Sunday, 3 May 2009
Flippin' Men Decoupage Verses - Darts and Duster
Darts
You line up on the oche
Just like Robin Hood
You're aim's to get 'three in a bed'
You think you are that good!
You end up with a 'bag of nails'
Three darts in number 1
The next throw hits the wire
You'll never score that ton
Then when you think you're beaten
You throw a perfect score
180 cries the referee
The crowd begin to roar
Another gallon of beer down
You'll show 'em how to win
But every dart you aim now
Just ends up in the bin!
© Marjorie Ramsay
DUSTER
With your bonny feather duster
In your 'marigolded' hand
And your 'oh so pretty' apron
My word you do look grand
Cleaning every space
Making all so spick and span
You are definitely an asset
And such a helpful man
But...now that it's your birthday
Just put away your mop
Drink that pint that's in your hand
Then you can wipe away the slop!
© Marjorie Ramsay
You line up on the oche
Just like Robin Hood
You're aim's to get 'three in a bed'
You think you are that good!
You end up with a 'bag of nails'
Three darts in number 1
The next throw hits the wire
You'll never score that ton
Then when you think you're beaten
You throw a perfect score
180 cries the referee
The crowd begin to roar
Another gallon of beer down
You'll show 'em how to win
But every dart you aim now
Just ends up in the bin!
© Marjorie Ramsay
DUSTER
With your bonny feather duster
In your 'marigolded' hand
And your 'oh so pretty' apron
My word you do look grand
Cleaning every space
Making all so spick and span
You are definitely an asset
And such a helpful man
But...now that it's your birthday
Just put away your mop
Drink that pint that's in your hand
Then you can wipe away the slop!
© Marjorie Ramsay
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